Daughter Diaries


The main reason why a ‘Daughter’ needs a ‘Dad’ is to show her that not all the boys are like the ones who hurt her.

f & d

Year: 1913

Location: Mumbai

Excerpts from the Little Diary of Naina (who is currently 14yr old)

Okay, there are a few things I do not understand, and I seek answers. I do not understand, why I have to be imprisoned like this in my own home, where my brothers get to enjoy freedom, I do not understand, why I was forced to leave my education half way while my brothers continued. I simply do not get it, why I’m suddenly turning into a maid servant in my house and am punished if I open my mouth or try to express myself. I just don’t understand.

This diary, I write reflects the state in which I am and I guess, no one better than this diary can understand my situation. This diary is all I have in this world, with whom I can share my problems, anything I don’t understand and the diary, it simply listens to me and unlike others it never judges me. The diary simply absorbs every word I feed it, and it makes me feel light. I must say of all the things, my dad has done for me, I would say he educated me at least to this extent that I could at least write this diary, otherwise today I would have been nothing more than a living corpse. What happened to my dad? Why did he turn out like this? I have no answers.

Today, is 18th April, 1913. I spoke to my dad this morning, mustering enough courage to seek answers to all my questions that has troubled me for the past 3 years. The time from which, I became a pauper from a princess for my dad.

I went to him, and saw he was having his morning tea, and having some conversations with my brothers. I tried listening to their conversation, they were talking about expanding the family business. I waited for my turn, when my brothers left, and it would be just dad and me.

I slowly started pacing towards him, I was scared to speak anything, I was deeply troubled from inside and somehow I needed to speak, because I knew it if i couldn’t, then this thing would kill me. I could not bear this feeling anymore. I stood before him. He looked at me as he took a sip of his tea.

He said, “What’s the matter Naina? I have been hearing complaints from your mother, you aren’t doing your duties properly, yesterday you were supposed to clean the living room, and I saw how you did it, I must say it was very poor. You must know this thing very clearly that you will be married off quite soon, and you must know to do all the household work. It is due to this, I stopped your education and keep you home, so that you can learn what is expected of you”

I was just listening to him and couldn’t understand the need for my marriage at such an early age, I said, “Expected of me? Daddy, what is expected of me?”

That was when my father said, “Good that you asked, look you need to understand one thing, you are a girl, you should know what your role in society is, it is to obey any order that is given to you, it is to serve and keep the houshold clean and most importantly shouldn’t speak unless asked to. If you can do this, then you are an ideal woman.”

I was simply awestruck, to listen to my daddy’s definition of an ideal woman, which I could interpret in my own understanding, the more you resist, the more ideal you are to be a woman. I didn’t know what would I say after that, I was still standing there. I wanted to tell my dad about what I felt, but the truth is what should I tell him, how do I tell him that it hurts me to know what he was expecting from me. It hurts me to see, the way am treated at home. But I simply looked at him, and saw how happy he would be, when I meet all his expectations and simply perform my duties and in his words be the “ideal woman” he expects me to be. I can do that atleast, but deep down I wished he would understand what I was going through and someday he would give me a chance to speak my mind. But I know it for sure even if I got my chance, things wouldn’t change even a bit. I feel, the way this society is going, it might take a century, to overcome this situation. How I wish daddy, that for once you wouldn’t see what the society wants, and simply see what your daughter wants.

Let not the Diary become the only place they can share.

Let not the Diary become the only place they can share.

 

 

Current day

Location: Mumbai

(Reena who is 18 years old today, completes reading Naina’s diary who was her great great grandmother)

As I finished reading her diary, I couldn’t help but feel sad. That this diary has been passed from generations and it has been indeed 100years, but still justice hasn’t been done. I realized that it was ony the diary who took it all for these years, but this thing needs to be brought. This is 2013, and it is shocking that even today the situation hasn’t changed a bit.

My dad too has certain misconceptions regarding certain issues, and he considers the society above anything else, everytime I try to understand what my dad means and try to follow his orders I end up realizing that no matter what I do, there won’t be any end to this feeling. The situation today is different, girls have always been kept like some prisoner, if anything wrong happens in the world, no one’s life is as affected as the life of a girl’s father. And the one who has to face the consequences are the daughters. It is the society, who has defined how a girl should be, and has set the limits and expectations from a girl. If any girl, tries to have an open mind, she would be brought down. Like my great great grandmother asked in her diary 100years ago, Even I do not understand a few things, among which is, that is it so that girls were born so that they could complete every fathers definition of an “Ideal woman”. Does the girl not have any say in what she wants?

There is a big misconception every one has, Girls do not want anything, they just need to be understood and especially by her father. A father needs to be his daughter’s best friend, For a change try and understand your daughter’s world, try and understand all that she cannot speak because she’s scared, try and understand her mind, that is all. If your daughter is wrong in her thinking mold her thoughts into something better. No daughter wants a Hitler for a father, they want a father who truly understands the real definition of an ideal woman, and an ideal woman can only become, if she has the most understanding father, who places their daughter first and then comes the society.

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 “Any man can be a Father but it takes someone special to be a dad.” – Anne geddes

Why Do We Fall?


“So that we learn to pick ourselves up”

I have seen that movie a lot of times, but still there is something defining about it that i come back to watch it again and again…….. and again! It all began in the year 2005. After a seven year itch, the question which started it all still rules most of my situations and whenever i lose all my hopes. I watch this film’s beginning and i ask myself, why am i watching a movie to get my senses back? It may seem silly or a stupid thing to do, but it all reduces us to mere humans and as humans we are a lot more vulnerable when it comes to emotional stuffs. what i mean to say is the mind, it is always in search of some sort of definition, a starting point. An inspiration, to be precise, yes and why not we all need it. This is how the greatest of things began. But the process where we find answers to the question that haunts us to the point that we may be broke is the one which is extremely strenuous and leaves us exhausted.

It all began with a fictional character called Batman and not exactly the one we knew until Christopher Nolan reintroduced us to this caped crusader in the film Batman Begins. In one of the opening scenes of the film, the protagonist Bruce Wayne during his childhood, while playing falls into a well. He notices a cave where he falls. Soon after bats start flying out of the cave, and young Bruce is frightened and extremely scared. Who would know that this young boy who was scared of the word fear itself, would install fear inside the minds of the most dangerous criminals in the darkest hour of the night. This was possible because he conquered fear, very true to the word as shown in the film that “to conquer fear you must become the fear” is so true. But the most interesting thing and the reason why i come back to watch this superhero flick so many times, is the question Thomas Wayne(Bruce Wayne’s father) asked Bruce when he fell inside the well, Why Do We Fall? and then he answers himself, “so that we learn to pick ourselves up”. A simple question with an even simpler and an apt answer.

Rise….. the only answer for your FALL!

I cannot speak for others as to how they would answer that question, but the answer to this very question holds the key to the very purpose of our lives. We all have purposes in our life, and its all unclear as to what it could be, until we are close enough towards the edge from where we are about to fall, and once we fall it is then we rise, quite aptly Christopher Nolan decides to end his inspiring Dark Knight Saga with the title The Dark Knight Rises, because you can only rise when you have fallen. I believe for every fall we get ourselves a reason, a purpose to rise, rise to the levels where we can face ourselves, our demons and look them in the eye and say “You cannot pull me down”.

So the next time, you fall i am not saying watch  any movie to get inspired, but instead just ask yourselves this one question and close your eyes let the question repeat in your mind and suddenly open your eyes to reality, the answer will be before you!

There maybe 6 different reasons for your fall, but you have to RISE alone!

Happiness To Ariadne!


The 'Decision' towards Happiness is the most imporant Decision of life!

She was standing still, her eyes closed. The only sound was dead silence of the night and her calm and rhythmic breathing, there was an air of comfort around her, as she took a step further towards the end of the cliff. She murmured under her silent breath, ” If there is one thing in this world that has got me falling for it head over heels is………”. She paused for a while then hissed slowly in the eerie wind that was blowing around her in that freezing night, she said “Death, i am coming for you, take me in your arms and love me forever”. She lifted a feet in mid air, one of her shoe fell from her feet and quickly disappeared in the depth of the darkness that could hardly give an idea how deep the cliff actually could be, but no doubt there won’t be any trace of anything that once descends the cliff. She opened her arms wide, opened her eyes, flashed a wide smile that hid a hint of happiness, guilt and extreme sadness, she was finally happy and was ready to take the leap of faith, hence she leapt.

                                                                         x-x-x-x-x

24 hours ago……………..

“Ariadne! Ariadne! when would you wake up, you have been sleeping for the past 10 hours, and showed no signs of waking up, look i just cannot handle this attitude of yours, over the past few days you are just acting strange, what’s the matter, tell me….. even our sex hasn’t been that great, its almost a week we had some quality sex, are you alright” said Alexa when Ariadne had just opened her eyes and battling her eyelids to what just Alexa told her. Ariadne and Alexa were lesbian couples staying together in alexa’s apartment. They got together a month ago and moved in together on Alexa’s insistence. Initially Ariadne was a bit hesitant but she decided to take a leap of faith and entered into a relation with her boss Alexa, who was already a lesbian, unlike Ariadne who used to be striaght until one day the impossible happened.

 

6 months ago………….

Ariadne went into a flashback mode that transported her 6 month back, where she found herself curled up in the arms of her boyfriend. Her boyfriend looked in her eyes. Ariadne had tears in her eyes, she spoke “I am afraid……” she paused and another tear rolled down her cheeks, her boyfriend comforted her and said “What is it dear tell me, i am always there for you, you can share anything with me, i promise i can ease you out of your pain, tell me what troubles you?”. Ariadne thought for a while and looked in his eyes and found a sense of warmth and she gulped the lump in her throat and spoke, “I don’t know what you would think, but i had a troubled childhood”. Her boyfriend laughed “Is that it?, dear your childhood is gone now. Your days of happiness have begun now, enjoy this moment with me, forget the past, your present is here with me right besides me in my arms, don’t you worry sweetheart”. She controlled herself and fought a tear when she said, “but i need to tell you what happened with me in my childhood before we take this relation ahead, because the scars of what happened still troubles me, i need to get it off my chest to breathe free, i have held it inside me for a long time, because i waited for the right person to come along someday so that i could breathe my new life with him”.

 

10 years ago……..

Mother truly loved Ariadne a lot!

 

It was Ariadne’s 16th birthday. After her birthday party got over, her mother called Ariadne to her room. She said, ” Today you turned 16, it is about time you warm up for a surprise, one that you should embrace it too, one that you will accept in times to come, it is about my orientation dear”. Ariadne’s mouth was wide open on hearing the last sentence coming from her mother. Her mother continued, ” Yes dear i am a lesbian, and i am happy being one. Dear i love you a lot and want you to be my lover. As it is, it has been a long time since i had some sexual deviations. I did not know how you would react to this revelation, because i was busy enough to nurture you to become a hot and sexy girl i had always desired to spend my life happily with. Look at you, your body is so smooth with soft skin, your long silky hair, and that petite frame. I have wanted to make love to you”. Ariadne’s head was already spinning to hear that, her mother was going to get her involve in an icest just to quench her sexual thirsts. Ariadne stood there frozen, to what her mother just said. Soon she found her mother caressing her breasts, and suddenly she felt her mother’s lips over her’s. She was confused and cried at this, seeing her cry, her mother gave her a big tight hug and said, “Don’t you cry my child, it is alright.” The next day Ariadne, without informing ran away from her mother and escaped to her father, whom her mother had divorced. Her father already knew about her mother, and accepted her to stay with him, for as long as she wanted to, he was indeed supportive.

For the remainder of her life, till the day she met her boyfriend she lived with her father, who supported Ariadne in whatever way he could to help her become a dignified person she is today. He helped her overcome the terrible scars of what she had been through and somehow all her hopes which she had lost suddenly started coming back. She felt that life was becoming normal again, and when she met her boyfriend she used to forget all her troubles and enjoyed her normal life sans her mother. Things were going just fine with her and suddenly it took a turn for the worse. The day when she decided to tell her boyfriend about her mother, she told all that had happened and in return expected a comforting hand over her, as she thought her boyfriend would ease her out of her pain. That was when the pain increased, his boyfriend moved a way from her, slapped her hard across her face and shouted as if he was threatened to get his gonads removed, he said “What the fuck! YOU are a lesbian and your mother as well, you cannot be normal, thankfully you told me this now, or else i would have ruined my life with a retard like you, fuck off bitch, and forget we ever met”. He stood and left Ariadne weeping on the grass. She still couldn’t believe it, and the pain just deepened within her, she thought is it so bad to be a gay?, and that too she knew she was straight but her mother. She broke from within so badly that she collapsed on the grass and fainted.

Happiness is hard to find in life, but worth to search for!

 

When she opened her eyes she was back at her father’s residence, where she found a diary besides her bedside table, it was open. She turned the pages and saw it was her mother’s diary and what she read was as follows

                         ” There are reasons as to why i have been a lesbian. Even i was a straight woman , and just like a woman would have her desires i too was in search of true love from a handsome guy, but each time i thought of being normal, my mind rebelled, i was thrown back to reality that life is not what you expect from it, but what you unexpect. I know that not every man sees woman as a mere sex-object just to use and throw, but in my case there only seemed men who would just use me as an object to derive pleasure from. From the age of 10, i was privately used by my father as a whore, he would rent me to men for days and sometimes for month. one day i managed to escape away, i settled somewhere out of the town where i worked and started living a normal life. I still had the faith that i would indeed find a man someday who would actually love me for me. I was proved wrong each affair i had, then on. The men were there in my life either to fool me by false promises, fake love just to get access to my pussy. Then the love i had always desired i got it from a woman i met in Las Vegas. We became close friends and that is when i came to know who i truly was, i was so confident to be with her, and never did i felt bad whatever developed between us, i was happy and almost forgot about the past. A few months later she died of blood cancer, she had hid this fact from me. In her last breath she made me do a promise to her that i would marry her husband, who was indeed a good soul. I did accordingly and we adopted a daughter, whom we named Ariadne. Even though my husband was the best guy i happened to meet in my life, but it was already too late. I couldn’t ever give him the love that he ever deserved, because there wasn’t any love left in me to give. Our marriage was a compromise but still i will be thankful to my husband who always supported me whenever i needed him. But i learnt it from the life i had and soon i was losing control of my life, and continued being a lesbian, because i wanted to fill my life with endless love, the love that always eluded me. I divorced my husband, and looked upon my daughter whom i loved the most and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, she would be my everything, my love, my child, my lover everything, with Ariadne besides me i won’t need anybody………”

She had lost herself somewhere she couldn't find!

 

Tears came in her eyes as she finished reading. That is when she got awoke by Alexa again, “Ariadne! Ariadne! are you okay? why don’t you speak goddamit, tell me what’s the matter so that i can fix it, baby talk to me”. Slowly when she saw no response, Alexa planted a soft and a sensuous kiss on Ariadne’s lips and indulged in a wet kiss with her, to which suddenly Ariadne got startled and she broke off from the kiss. She said, “Sweetheart i remembered i had some important work to do today, i promise sex as soon as i return, till then wait for me and don’t forget to put that sexy lingerie we bought at La Senza, tonight it will be a long night just you and me and some mushy sex”. Ariadne knew those words would make Alexa beam with excitement and with that she went ahead to finish her important work.

She took out her car and sped on the highway, she was on her way to meet her mother. This thought came to her all of a sudden after a lapse of almost 10 years and she decided that she badly needed to meet her mother. Ariadne getting into a lesbian relationship was a decision that she took after the turmoils she was subjected to. At the age of 26, she was a matured and an independent woman whose life was heading in a direction she herself wasn’t sure about. But today she decided to claim her life back. Ariadne already knew that she was an orphan, and that it was beyond question to look out for her real parents at a time when her foster parents had become an integral part of her life. Though her relations were simply complicated with her parents than she would have assumed, but still she loved them a lot. When her boyfriend had left her after hearing what Ariadne was subjected to in her past, Ariadne did not know anything, it was her mother’s diary and the story inside that let her take the leap of faith and become a lesbian and she found Alexa, who deeply loved Ariadne and even Ariadne knew Alexa would never leave her ever, but despite that she was not happy. She was trying to figure out for so long that what it is that would make her happy. That is when she thought of visiting her mother for the last time.

She was going through a mixed chain of thoughts as to how her mother would react to her after seeing her after a gap of ten long years, what she would say. She was confused but still happy that she would be meeting her. So any thoughts coming to her about her mother turning unexpectedly to her did not bother Ariadne, as even the sight of her would calm her. It was a 4 hour long drive, and she finally reached, she was nervous with exicitement as she moved closer to her house. She was disappointed to see someone else greet her at the door. That was when she found that these new people have been living here for the past ten years. That is almost the time when she had left her mother. Ariadne was told, that the day she had left her mother, her mother was broken from inside, as Ariadne was all the hope she had in this world, she just wanted to tell her the truth about her orientation and how much she loved her, but back then Ariadne had taken it in a wrong way, just the way Ariadne’s boyfriend did when he heard about her mother. Thus her mother decided to end her grief, she opened her arms wide, opened her eyes, flashed a wide smile that hid a hint of happiness, guilt and extreme sadness, she was finally happy and was ready to take the leap of faith, hence she leapt. She leapt off the cliff that night, and embraced death as if it were the only thing that brought peace of mind to her. Ariadne’s mother had committed suicide ten years by jumping off that cliff.

It takes a Leap Of Faith to Know What We Want From Our Life!

Today, Ariadne and Alexa are married to each other and lead a happy life. Even though they are being looked down by the society, but they are happy with each other’s presence in their life. They haven’t separated since then, their trust in each other has made their bonds stronger. Ariadne realized the meaning of love is not merely loving someone because you are expected to be loving them, but loving someone by whose presence life would be filled with happiness and as far as expectations are concerned put them to rest, because where exepctations are, love cannot exist. Thus love is beyond human thinking, and it is all about staying happy with whoever it may be!

Lesbians For Life!